when you yell at god.
Once upon a time I yelled at God. Yup. you read that right. I (me) yelled (cussed) AT God. Now, before you throw stones or burn me at the stake, allow me to be just a little vulnerable and real with you. Lately, I’ve been a little frustrated with God. I’ve been walking through this season of brokenness and healing for what seems like more than enough time. In my finite mind, this situation should be over and done with. I’ve pled my case, cried my tears, walked my path, read my bible, prayed my prayers, sought wise counsel. If there was a thing... I’ve done ALL the things. But here I am, annoyed and frustrated that some days I still sit in my hurt, brokenness, weakness, pain, anguish, and confusion. And this isn't me writing a blog post four days out from a situation. This is me six months into the same journey. Maybe you’re a little like me… You feel a little stagnant. Stuck. Burdened. Lost. Forgotten. Confused. You’ve sought after the Lord, trusting and believing that He is able and capable and alive and active, but you’re STILL not through it. And some days you question if you’ve learned or grown at all. Sister, I want you to know that you're not alone. The enemy would love for you to believe that, but it’s simply not true. You, in your annoyance and frustration, are not alone.
I want you to know it’s okay to be frustrated. I want you to know it’s okay to be upset. I want you to know it’s okay to be confused. I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay that in our humanistic abilities we are unable to grasp all that God is doing in our midst. It’s okay that in our broken world we are unable to see the God of the universe orchestrating a great symphony over our lives. It’s okay that you, in your mess and valley, can’t see the other side.
But, hear me sister… God can. You are not hidden from Him. You are not forgotten or forsaken. You are seen and known. Heard and valued. Prized and Cherished. He is not playing hide and seek with you. He is not teasing you. He is not being cruel. He is God. He’s really good at being God, and frankly, He doesn't need our permission to be God. His ways, His timings, and His plans don't have to make sense to us. He doesn't owe us a roadmap or an explanation. He’s God. Period. Sorry if that stings, but I needed to read it just as much as I felt led to write it.
So, if God has permission to be the Creator, then we have permission to be the created. What does that look like? It looks broken and distraught sometimes. It looks like an annoyed Liz driving in her car with tears streaming down her face yelling at God. It looks like me being real with Jesus. If I’ve learned anything through this journey, it’s that authenticity is our greatest asset. If I can’t be real with my friends, my tribe and my God - then what’s the point? And I don't know what your “being real” looks like, but for me it looks like doubt sometimes. It looks like questions. It looks like journaling untill my hand is numb. It looks like crying (again). It looks like singing praises even when I don't freaking feel like it. It looks like brokenness and beauty. It looks like death and resurrection. It looks like mess and majesty. It looks different day to day. It looks like believing anyway. It looks like being a human and allowing myself the freedom to express myself fully to God - knowing, undoubtedly, that He loves me and is not scared or thrown off by my humanness. It looks like me yelling at God and knowing He isn't mad or going to yell back.
So, yes, I cussed at God. I was annoyed. But, today, I write this post with a refreshed spirit. When I allowed myself the opportunity to be real with God it provided Him the space to fill me up with His goodness, mercy, love, redemption, peace, and understanding. I was able to be emptied of my doubt and annoyance and allowed my Father to be my dad, and just love on me right where I was, exactly how I felt. God didn't require me to have an attitude check, or sit in time out, or think about my actions, or wash my mouth out with soap. He ran to me while I was a long way off and threw His arms around me and kissed me and gave me new clothes.
I’ve resolved that being broken with God is the only way I will one day walk in victory with God.
Wherever you are, whatever season, whatever mood, whatever outlook you have - BE with God. Just as you are. He loves it, because He loves you… even in your mess.
Love because He loved me first,